Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Soul Cloud

I have not contributed to this blog in a long time. Looking back, its been since the move here. That would have been the last time I was frankly comfortable with revealing the state of things to the outside world. It was not a pretty start. But that is passed, and we have moved on. Tonight I sit at work, on call again, at the end of an emotionally gray day. Contrary to many days during fellowship, this was not a particularly bad day for me by most standards. Clinic was lighter than usual. I managed to dodge the escalating local drama, which typically captures me with tentacle-like strength. But my soul has still been heavy today for reasons that are not entirely clear.

I do not typically have the good fortune of time for reflection on my gray feelings. I just have to shove them back into the sock drawer of my soul, along with the other mismatched and misplaced parts of my life, to be sorted out at a later date. There has been a cloud over me today. It has been kept neatly in place above my head, in Pig-Pen and Charlie Brown style, by a series of high-pressure fronts coming in from all sides. They take the shape of a million parts of my life, from new diagnoses to old clinic patients with new problems to life-changing choices about the future. As I'm writing this, it's clear that I do not have words to acurately describe the pressure of my current situation. Any description can only appear trite and cheap, as the handfulls of metaphors that came before them. Here is just one more thing to add to my list of frustrations.

It has been very difficult to open up about how hard this year has been. I'm not sure why. There is very little that keeps me here, mostly that I'm so far in and the thought of starting over is excruciating.

What makes a fulfilling life? I used to know. I used to love my job, but it has been beaten out of me. I do not know if I will ever be the same person that I used to be, even after this year is over. I hope it will sort itself out, since I do not have the capacity to do it myself.