Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Permanent-ness and the Edge of the Clouds

That's a funny word- permanent. I've been thinking about that a lot tonight. In actuality, nothing is permanent except death. We can change our mind about anything at any time and that is ok. No one actually makes the rules, there are no rules except the ones we have for ourselves. Hmm.

I am not a stickler for rules per say, at least not dumb ones, but I do appreciate order. Chaos makes me shudder. Rules make the game even. I have been trying to play by the rules, yet continuing to lose. That is very frustrating. And it is burning up my emotional and psychological reserve. That is also frustrating, but I don't have the energy to care as much.

I flew home to visit my parents and family last week, amid the bubbling cauldron of chaos that has been my life this fall. I desperately needed the break, to get out of my situation and gain some perspective. The day we left Birmingham, it was raining and overcast, gloomy: an ironic reflection of how Birmingham has been for us since the beginning. But then a glorious thing happened.

The plane entered the clouds, swam around in the soupy haze, and after only minutes, emerged on that sunny side of the sky. It turns out that there is always a bright, booming sun just on the other side, even through thick, dark clouds. Who knew.

Once again, I am approaching a crossroads in my life, one I have been driven to by forces that seem all around me. But are they real? Are they permanent? Or did I make them up myself? Hmm. Unfortunately I don't think it makes my decision any more clear, but knowing that I have the capacity to see a situation for what it really is- I have to say, it is a morale booster. It is empowering. It is a burst of air for a drowning swimmer.

But for now, do I hunker down with my umbrella to wait out the storm, or do I get in the car and get out of town? As un-permanent as those wispy storm clouds are, so too are the clear bursts of sunshine. You can bet there is another squall line following along behind and headed your way. Hmm.